December 3, 2013 in Support
The following is a guest post from Megan, a contributor for Red Stick Moms Blog. The hope Megan describes is all too familiar- it took my husband and I two years to get pregnant. Weathering the hope and disappointment over and over takes its toll. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Megan!
After about two years of marriage, my husband and I decided that we would begin to start our family. This was in October of 2006. I really believed that I had it timed perfectly; if we conceived immediately (which I honestly thought would happen), we would be pregnant in time to tell my family in Connecticut during our trip there for Thanksgiving.
Discovering that we were, indeed, not pregnant began a series of disappointments for me that would last roughly four years.
For the next several years, I desperately held on to the hope that I would eventually become a mother. That’s the thing with infertility; hope becomes an overarching theme in your life. You can never know with any assurance that the medications, the injections, the surgeries, the financial investments will ever work, but you can hope. You can never know for sure if you will one day have a child of your own, but you never let go of that hope that you one day will. The ache, that never-ending longing to have a child of your own, doesn’t diminish over time. It just hurts worse.
A few of my closest friends became pregnant and welcomed children into their lives during this time. This was extremely difficult because I wanted so badly to be happy for them, but my overwhelming jealousy wouldn’t allow me to be. I couldn’t quite figure out how to embrace my childless life and celebrate their growing bellies and beautiful babies. I soon began to feel as though there were two clubs: one was reserved for the lucky moms and their babies, and the other club was for those of us who could not, for whatever reason, have children. This was a club that nobody wanted to be a part of. It was lonely, bitter, and sad.
Finally, after several years of trying, my husband and I decided to attempt in-vitro. This was not an easy decision. Not only was it extremely costly, but it seemed extremely invasive and scary as well. We made an appointment with the bank to request a $30,000 loan. Our meeting was scheduled for a Friday.
That Wednesday we found out we were pregnant.
We could not believe it. We were so amazed by this news that I think it took our entire pregnancy for it to sink in!
During my pregnancy, I never felt like a mother. I definitely felt a bond with Matthew as he grew and moved in my womb, but I was so afraid of embracing the identity of mother. I never believed throughout my entire pregnancy, that I would have a living, breathing child at the end. I could not shake my infertility.
My C-Section was amazing. It all happened so quickly, and before I knew it, an entire roomful of doctors and nurses began cheering in celebration. My husband looked at me tearfully. My mother exclaimed that he was beautiful. And Matthew screamed throughout. It was such an amazing sound. But, because of the fact that I had a C-Section, a great deal of time passed before I could hold him or even get close to him (probably just a minute or two, but it felt like forever).
He screamed and screamed as they bathed, weighed, and measured him. His cries continued as my husband held him. Finally, after they completed my surgery, I was allowed to get close. The nurse placed him on my chest for me to hold him. As he cried, I began to whisper in his ear, “It’s me, Matthew. It’s Mommy.” Immediately, he stopped crying and looked in my direction. It was as if he had done a double take. I realized in that moment that he needed no introduction. He knew me. He recognized my heartbeat. He knew my voice.
It was in that moment that I truly understood that my infertility journey was over, and that finally, miraculously, I was a mother.
Our mission at Red Stick Moms Blog is to build community among moms in Baton Rouge, to make on-line and in-person connections, to encourage moms by building common ground, offering kid-friendly resources in the Baton Rouge area, and making our community approachable and fun. We are a collaborative blog written and read by local moms, and we are passionate about engaging with our readers offline through our exciting local events that connect moms to each other. We are the one-stop resource for moms raising kids in Baton Rouge. You can learn more at www.redstickmomsblog.com.
Megan is a contributor to Red Stick Moms Blog. She and her husband Kenny live in Baton Rouge with their two sons, Matthew and Benjamin.
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